So, you guys, I DID IT! I DID IT! I completed the Ultimate Reset with absolutely NO cheats. No coffee, no wine, I followed the plan to a T. And GUESS WHAT?! It worked! Was it hard? HELL YES. Was it worth it? I can’t even begin to describe how worth it was!
As most of you know, I’ve struggled with an eating disorder for a very, very long time. My entire life has always revolved around food – in a negative light. As a way to deal with my feelings, emotions and my life. When something was hard, I turned to food – but not consuming it – I would starve myself and punish myself for things going wrong in my life. I have never learned how to deal with life without using food as a crutch. As young as five, I was comparing myself to others, wondering why they were happy and I wasn’t. Obviously at five, it wasn’t about weight loss, but it was about control. And at five, my parents were none the wiser because it was “typical” for a kid to be “picky” with their food. So, it became a habit of mine to refuse food as a way of comfort and control over something in my life.
Being in and out of treatment centers and hospitals during my childhood, teen years and young adult life really took away so many years of my life. I have so many regrets. A main regret in my life is not getting my act together before my father died. I look back and think about all of the months and years I was away from my dad because of my eating disorder. I’ll never get those years or months back. I left AMA from my last treatment center because my dad was diagnosed with cancer. We didn’t know what was wrong with him for over a year, and a week after I got home from Avalon Hills, he got his diagnosis. Two days after that, a very, very dear friend of mine passed away at 17. It was a very, very hard home-coming. I resorted back to my eating disorder to deal with the pain, anxiety and overwhelming emotions that came with all of this news so suddenly. My daddy, the strongest man I had ever known, had cancer. A rare type of cancer. He fought for so long and never gave up. He was my rock. I’m not a very emotional person, and I don’t open up to people hardly ever, but this man was someone I could talk to and not feel judged. I felt nothing but love and acceptance, and in the blink of an eye, he was gone. He never got to meet my first daughter, Ryleigh, because he passed away exactly a month before she was born. He got to spend 15 months with my first born, Daniel, and made so many wonderful memories. He never got to meet my last daughter, Khloe. My kids will never have their kick-ass, metal music loving, head-banging grandpa. My husband will never get to meet the man that taught me how true love should feel. I keep him in my daily life by talking about him, by bringing him up when an Iron Maiden song comes on, by teaching my youngest how to head-bang (just like my daddy did when I was a little girl – he never wanted me to cut my hair, so I could head-bang for him, because he never could grow out his 80’s hair metal long hair like he always wanted t0). It’s been a little over eight years since my dad died. You’re not supposed to bury your parent when you’re 20 years old. I had so much left to show him. I had so many things to tell him. I had grandbabies for him to love on and see how good of a mom I am. I’m not religious or spiritual at all, but I know he’s around. Little things like looking at a clock and seeing ‘8:08’ (he passed on 8/8/08 – I was born on 2/28/88 at 8:58; 8 is kind of my number), or thinking of him and when I turn the car on, “Run To the Hills” is already playing, I always say, “hey dad, love you too.”
I’m explaining this, because during the Ultimate Reset, it taught me a lot. It taught me that I spent so many years of my life trying to “make up” for everything I did in my past. That may sound crazy to some, but it makes sense to me. During the UR, it’s not just a detox from harmful toxins and chemicals that are in our drinking water, in our food choices, etc. It’s also a detox from hurtful emotions, learning about how your body really works, choosing to make good eating decisions, and not giving up on yourself. There were times where I just wanted a damn cup of coffee. Or a yummy piece of Double Bubble bubblegum. OR A PIECE OF STEAK. But I refrained, because I wanted to let myself know that I am strong enough. I have the will-power to choose not to put unhealthy things in my body. But it’s a DIFFERENT will-power than before with anorexia. THAT’S the biggest change. I have will-power, but it’s not being used NEGATIVELY. I’m not depriving myself of healthy food. I’m not looking at an apple the same way as a candy bar. And that. is. HUGE. for me. I made a promise to my dad when he was in the hospital for the last time, when they told us she had maybe 3 months to live (he made it 6 weeks). I went to visit him and we talked for hours. I was pregnant with Ryleigh at the time, and he told me, “Kris, I wish you could see how beautiful you really are. You’re the most beautiful woman I know. I wish you saw the value in yourself.” I have never seen my father cry. He told me once, when I was at my first residential treatment center (Renfrew), that after he and my mom dropped me off there, he went in the shower, sat down and cried because he felt so powerless. He couldn’t help his little girl. I promised him right then and there, that I would try my hardest to learn to love myself and be proud of myself. I promised him I’d find a way to love myself and take care of myself. Having that alone time with him, that one on one time, despite being in the hospital, was something that needed to happen in my life. It was like my good-bye to him. He passed away 4 days after my parents 24th wedding anniversary, after re-proposing to my mom (to a sweet Judas Priest song – just like my dad to bring include a kick-ass band) at the beach for our last family vacation ever. He passed away 8 hours away from me. I remember my mom calling me and telling me he was gone. I was sitting on my couch, holding my son, pregnant with my daughter, and my mom calls me and tells me he passed away. The feeling I felt right then, it never goes away. People say time heals things, that’s a load of crap. No amount of positive thinking will fix how I feel about my dad’s death. My dad was one of the best men on this Earth. He’d give you the shirt off his back regardless of knowing you or not. He was an amazing family man, that cooked and cleaned and took care of my brother and me. He worked 12-14 hours a day, never complaining. Hell, his job had to tell him to STAY HOME when he was going through chemo because he wanted to work, because he was worried about medical bills. He didn’t want my mom, brother and I to suffer. I feel like he held on so long for us. The type of cancer he had, wiped out his RBC, WBC, platelets, everything. He was running on virtually nothing, yet, he was still getting up, welcoming the day and getting things done. That’s just who he was. Always on the go. And I’m proud to say that I have that amazing quality of his; always on the go, getting shit done.
The Ultimate Reset has been an amazing, amazing journey. A lot of people kept telling me how much self-control I had to stay away from certain foods, to follow a strict diet, meal plan and prep, etc. I’ve been following a pretty strict regemin since September, so it was easy for me to just look at it that way. And, it was only for 3 weeks. I made it through going to friends houses for parties, going out to eat, etc. I believed in myself that I could do this program, and it worked. IT WORKED.
I didn’t start this program to lose weight – because losing a massive amount of weight in a short amount of time isn’t effective. It just isn’t. Losing weight is part of the process though, because you are detoxing from so many different things. You slowly take out meat, dairy and grains from your diet – three of the most irritating ingredients for your GI tract. Then, over 3 weeks, you slowly re-introduce those food items to your diet, and figure out (if) which foods you should avoid or consume less of. I wanted to do this program so I could get out of a plauteu and jump-start the next program I am going to do – 21 Day Fix EXTREME! I had finished CDF about a week before doing the Ultimate Reset, and that program took A LOT out of me. It was a TOUGH, although very rewarding, program. I knew my body needed a break and with the Ultimate Reset, doing strenuous exercising isn’t ‘allowed’, so I have been doing the 3 week yoga retreat. It was the perfect time to do this.
One of the toughest things for me during the UR was not being able to taste food I’ve cooked or baked for my family and other people. I hate not knowing what my food tastes like before I serve it to people. So, I had to constantly remind myself not to lick the spoon (or my fingers, lol) while making food. Another big thing was gum. I LOVE GUM (I think I’ve mentioned this a few times, hah) and I have two huge tubs, plus two big bags, next to my bed. Those sat there the ENTIRE three weeks and I didn’t even have ONE. Hell, yesterday Khloe fell asleep in the Tula while I walked to get the kiddos from school, and she never naps, so I decided to take the kids to Dunkin’ to get a donut so she could nap a little more. The guy at the counter asked if I wanted my regular coffee, and I say, “no, not today” and he looks at me like I have 4 heads. It was so easy to just say no, instead of giving in. Some people on the UR cheat and have coffee, or have a cheat meal and I just couldn’t do it. I spent a lot of money on a program that I intended to finish and not cave and give into things that I KNOW will be there AFTER the program. But, I did have a small coffee today! I rewarded myself for not caving.
I plan on following the meal plan I have been on for the next 3 weeks, with a few added things like lean meats and some grains. I think I will leave dairy out for quite a bit longer. I plan on finishing the 3 week yoga retreat (I have 6 days left of that) and then diving into the 21 DFX.
So, now, here are my results. I lost a total of 12.2 pounds and 22.5″ all over (10″ of that was just in my hips, waist and chest alone). And I GAINED self-confidence. I’m at a place now where I don’t feel like I need to lose weight. I need to tone up and embrace the shape that I have now. I’m not focused on the number anymore, and I plan (okay, I hope, because this is hard and always has been for me) on having the scale be put away from today until March 1st. I want to focus on how I FEEL and how my clothes FIT. Not so much the number on the scale. I’m at a healthy BMI for my height and weight. I need to focus on those aspects and not the number. I AM HEALTHY. And I did it the RIGHT WAY.
If you’re thinking about doing the Ultimate Reset, or really, any Beachbody program, whether that be the 21 Day Fix, PiYo, yoga, Core De Force, or you just want to be healthier, you want to commit to something bigger than yourself – DO IT. No one says “damn, I wish I never had worked out” after completing a work out. You should be proud of yourself that you want to commit to something – and do something for yourself. You should be proud for putting yourself first. So many of us put everyone before ourselves, and we tend to get lost in life picking up after everyone. YOU deserve happiness. YOU deserve to feel good about yourself. And YOU most DEFINITELY deserve to LOVE yourself. Dude, if I can do this, YOU CAN, TOO. It’s not easy, but nothing in life is easy that is worth it. As cliche as that sounds – it’s completely true.
It’s hard to post these photos. I still have a ways to go to get more toned and more muscle, but I am putting these photos out here because they are REAL. They are ME. REAL results from REAL people doing things the HEALTHY way. I’m PROUD of how far I have come in such a short amount of time. I’ve been inspiring people to take charge of their health and learn to love themselves. THAT is why I became a coach. My whole life, I’ve been the one friend anyone could come to and talk to, and not feel judged. I’ve done way too much in my life to judge anyone. If I can help people to get motivated and STAY motivated, that’s a win for me. If I can help people love themselves and be PROUD of themselves, that’s a win.
My mind-set has changed ten-fold since starting the Ultimate Reset. People said that there would be raw emotions that just pop up out of no where and you kinda just have to embrace them. Well, today’s one of those days. And it feels damn good to be able to share with people my struggles, my successes, my failures and my progress.
I’m wearing jeans today I haven’t worn in over 6 years AND I feel comfortable in them! It’s an amazing feeling. I look in the mirror and see some definition. I look in the mirror, and most importantly, I’m learning to love what I see, every single day. That’s my motivation. That’s my self-control. There’s nothing magical about it – I’m striving to keep that promise to my daddy – to learn to love myself, do things in moderation, and never lose my sense of self-worth.