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It’s been a while…

So, it’s been a while since I’ve last posted. Since then, I’ve done quite a few things in regards to my health journey. I managed to complete the Ultimate Reset for a second time, completed a program I never thought I would ever want to do (hello Shift Shop), I did Shaun T Week, I finished CDF for a second time and I am almost done with 8 weeks of PiYo…and it’s been awesome. I’ve managed to keep the 14lbs I lost on the Ultimate Reset off instead of gaining it all back. I learned that, despite what my dermatologist and PCP told me, I DO have a sensitivity to dairy – I’ve kept dairy out of my food intake for the past two months and the rash I had on my hand has magically disappeared. It reappeared once during that time, and it was when I made zucchini cheese bread and ate a few pieces. I did four rounds of heavy antibiotics with two rounds of heavy steroids and that didn’t even scratch the surface of my rash. I’ve also remained a vegetarian for the most part. I’ve had salmon and a little chicken in the past two months. I don’t care for it much anymore and the vegetarian/vegan substitutes I’ve found I really enjoy – so do my kids – so it’s a win-win!

However, this post isn’t about my health journey – not so much. I’ve contemplated for a while posting this, because it is extremely, extremely personal and may be triggering to some of the people reading my post. So, I am going to put a TRIGGER WARNING right now. My post is going to talk about suicide and my personal story about it. So, if you would be triggered in any way, shape or form reading about suicide, please, do not continue.

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I’ve never talked about my suicide attempt online, or really in person; except for a few people. My husband, and that’s about it. And even he doesn’t really know all of the details. I feel it’s important to talk about this because many people that follow me and read about my life and my health journey with Beachbody see where I am, a year LATER (well, almost! September 6th). A lot of people assume I have this peachy life, a SAHM that has her shit together. I make my homemade meals and I keep my home organized; my kids get to school on time and get their homework done. They’re all bright, well-rounded kids that are sweet, respectful and amazing. I work out every day, I drink my Shakeology. I hold myself (and others) accountable for their health journey. I have an amazing husband that literally, is the most amazing man I’ve ever had the opportunity to know. And we get to live this life together, sharing our love, comforting each other, watching our three kids grow.
What y’all might not see, is where I was, in March of 2012. The end of March and beginning of April are always hard for me. My dad’s birthday is April 3rd and having to “celebrate” his birthday without him always hits close to home for me. Sometimes it’s worse than the actual anniversary of his death (8/8/08). I attribute this to never really dealing with my dad’s death. I was almost 9 months pregnant with my second child and had a 15 month old as well. I had spent years of my life in therapy, in and out of hospitals, residential treatment centers, to deal with my eating disorder. To deal with my drug use. To deal with self-harm. I surely didn’t want to go to therapy to talk about my father’s death. Talking about why I hate eating and why I cut myself was a lot easier than having to be emotional about my father’s death. Besides, I was just angry. I’m still angry.
In February of 2012, my ex-husband and I were fighting a lot more than usual. We weren’t getting along. We weren’t really talking. We were having a lot of financial problems. I was the only one working, two jobs. He couldn’t hold down a job – whether that be because he was too hungover the next day to go to work, or he just didn’t feel like going in, or his favorite excuse, he was going to “go back to school.” So, it was up to me, to take care of our 4 and 3 year old, make sure my 4 year old went to his therapies and had his therapists come to our home (my ex husband didn’t think there was anything wrong with our son, so, he didn’t feel like therapy was necessary), go to school full time and go to work full time between my two jobs. I felt overwhelmed. I felt sad. I was scared for my future. I didn’t want my children to see their mother so unhappy. I wanted them to have the kind of childhood I had; I don’t remember much of it, but I do know that my parents loved us and each other very much. Their relationship was such a rare sight. They genuinely really loved each other. I wanted my children to see that. I wanted my daughter to see how a man should love a woman. I wanted my son to see how a man should treat his wife. In my current situation, that wasn’t ever going to happen. My ex husband and I were not capable of doing that together.
I felt trapped. I couldn’t breathe. My anxiety and OCD was going through the roof. I felt like there was no end in sight and I would be stuck in this ridiculous, vicious cycle forever. All of the coping tools I had in my belt went out the window. I just didn’t give a shit anymore. I wasn’t important. Life wasn’t important. What hurts me the most (reflecting back), is that I didn’t even feel like I was worthy of my children. I was damaged goods, and that’s all I’d ever be. I felt hopeless. I felt dark. And at times, I felt absolutely nothing.  I went through the motions every day. I put that fake smile on my face. I took care of my children and my ex husband like a good wife and mother, even though silently and ever so slowly, I was dying inside. I felt like I had no one to talk to. My dad was dead, my ex husband couldn’t care less about me, and when I tried to call my mother, over and over and over, she just didn’t answer. The three people that were supposed to help me, were supposed to love me unconditionally, just weren’t there, and that made me go to a place that I never thought was imaginable for me. I’ve been depressed before, I’ve wanted to die before; I’d made plans before. I was always able to crawl out of that hole though. I was always able to muster up just a little more energy to not follow through.
Not on March 23, 2012. A lot of the events are fuzzy, because the medication I took was a sleep and anxiety aid, and I took a lot of it. My ex husband had woken me up from sleeping (the first time in probably 3 or 4 days), yelling at me about something, I don’t remember what exactly now. He was just so angry with me. The kids were still sleeping, it was about 6:30am. He went into the living room and I locked our bedroom door, then our bathroom door. Something in me snapped. I tried calling my mom; I needed someone to talk to. Someone to cry to. To ask if my life was always going to be like this. She had gotten a new boyfriend a few weeks prior to this incident, and I later found out she was with him, while I was trying to call. I know I shouldn’t feel resentment for that, but I do. I resent her a lot for that. She probably doesn’t deserve that, and I’d never tell her that, but I can’t help but feel how I feel. When she didn’t answer the phone, I found my medication. I didn’t care anymore. I wanted this to be over. I wanted to sleep forever and never wake up. I took the entire bottle of my medication and walked into the living room. I told my ex husband to please tell the kids I love them. I walked into the backyard and I just sat on the ground, looking at the sky. Following the clouds. It took my ex husband a few minutes to figure out what I had done, and I remember him telling me, “you need to go make yourself throw up now” while he was on the phone with the ambulance. I didn’t want to go to the hospital, and when the cops came with the ambulance, I found them off. I was put in restraints in the back of the ambulance. I wanted nothing to do with the EMS, or hospital staff. When I got to the hospital I had to drink charcoal to help with the medication I took. It was one of the most vile things I’ve ever had to drink. I was so angry I was in the hospital. And I got even more angry when I was put in the adult psych unit. I’d been in there many times as a teenager in the adolescent wing because of my eating disorder (back then, Asheville didn’t have a lot of the resources they thankfully do now in regards to those with eating disorders. If you weren’t “sick enough” for UNC-Chapel Hill, you were put into a psych ward to help get your levels managed.)
I tried to opt to just go home, I played it off like I just took a few extra sleeping pills because I hadn’t slept in days (which, was partially true – and definitely could have aided in my thought process on this day). I had to be in the psych unit for at least 72 hours, and then the psychiatrist would determine if I was well enough, or not a danger to myself or others. I was stuck in there for six days. While in there, I didn’t talk much. I didn’t get close to anyone. I just wanted to get home. I had a lot of time to reflect while I was in there. I had a lot of time to think and reevaluate my decisions. But, being in there was necessary. I didn’t think it was at the time, and I hated that it wasn’t my decision when I could leave, but it is what it is.
When I got home, my kids didn’t really understand what had happened. Thankfully, they were young enough not to remember any of it. When and if they ask about suicide, I plan to be honest and talk in age-appropriate language. I have a 5th grader and a 3rd grader and an almost 3 year old – my 3rd and 5th grader are right around the age that my eating disorder took a huge turn for the worse, as did my self-harm. I wouldn’t say I am ashamed of what I did – I am angry with myself for what I did. I am angry that I couldn’t just deal with my situation-it scares me sometimes that I could get to that low point in my life. My ex husband hardly said anything to me, and in September of that year, we separated, after eight years of being together. It was perhaps one of the best things to happen in my life.
So, why did I just write all of this? Why did I just tell y’all something so extremely personal? A few reasons. 1) this was mainly for me. Being able to talk about it and make it real, it’s the first time I’ve felt a little relief. I’m an emotional person, but I hardly show emotion – unless I feel really comfortable with you – and even then – it’s hard to talk. Writing is much easier for me. I can get my thoughts out and not be interrupted. I can re read what I’ve typed to make sure it’s conveying what I truly want to say. Speaking for me is too quick, and I often get off track. 2) just because you see someone that looks like they have a great life, don’t underestimate what they’ve gone through, or what they are currently going through. I push myself and continue to stay focused on my health journey because it’s a priority of mine. A top priority. I’ve seen what happens to me when I allow myself to take care of absolutely everyone else before I even scratch the surface on myself. It’s not fair, it’s not right, and I won’t allow it anymore. 3) I am proof that if you want something badly enough, you will make it happen. It won’t always be easy. It will almost always be hard. It will ALWAYS be worth it. I’m sharing this part of my story of my life, because maybe, it’ll inspire or help someone reading this. My past doesn’t hold me back anymore; it’s simply a reminder of how far I’ve honestly come. 4) there are still days that I struggle, and struggle hard with depression and mania. Sometimes I’ll have so much energy I need to stay up all night; my brain just won’t stop. Some days, I’m so sad I don’t want to get out of bed or be around people. The difference now, is that I have better coping skills. And I use those coping skills. I have healthier ways to cope. I have people that I can genuinely talk to, if I need to. I have people in my life that mean something to me, and I actually mean something to them. I am important. I am loved. And, I believe it.

 

****IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW ARE HAVING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE: THE NATIONAL SUICIDE HOTLINE IS: 1-888-273-8255****

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Ultimate Reset from Beach Body, Uncategorized

UR Day Nine . . .

So, I’m almost in the double digits of the Ultimate Reset! Almost half way there. I’ve decided that I will blog the day after I complete a day in the UR because it seems easier that way. Then, on day 22, I’ll be able to post my final progression photo of the UR.

Breakfast was pretty simple – 3c fruit, again, lol. But, the fruit tastes SO good. I’m really digging it. Yesterday I had honeydew melon, strawberries, blueberries and black berries. I meal prepped and put it all together a few days ago and all of the flavors together taste really, really good!

I was able to do my yoga and stay on par with meals and actually was able to eat dinner by 7:30. SO much better than eating at 9-10pm. I’m still having trouble falling asleep, but sleeping really soundly. Usually the smallest little thing used to wake me up. I don’t know if that’s because I’m just exhausted or if that’s because my sleep patterns are changing. At any rate, I’m really digging it because my fibromyalgia could really use a few good days of sleep.

I’ve been drinking distilled water like it’s going out of style. I think I’m down 14 gallons in 10 days. It’s pretty crazy. I’ve always been a really big water drinker, but for some reason, I’ve gotten a lot more thirsty during the UR than I ever have been – even while breastfeeding. I’m going to guess it’s got to do with the detox.

When starting phase two, a new packet of loveliness was introduced that I need to partake in 3x a day. I was VERY nervous at first because the greens taste so horrible (they’re growing on me, though. They’re still not good, but, I don’t gag anymore, so, winning!), but I was really pleasantly surprised at the taste. The texture is a bit wonky, but, it kind of tastes like how sweet tea smells to me. I don’t drink tea (except green tea, very seldom I might add, and it has to be SUPER ice cold), but I didn’t have to choke it down, shoot it down, plug my nose, so, that’s good 😉

The amount of food in each meal still seems pretty large. Yesterday, when I was eating my lunch, it was really hard to finish it all. I did, and was happy I did, but, it’s A LOT of food. It’s been great, though, that the meals taste delicious and it helps me to be able to finish it. I usually eat pretty quickly, but since starting the UR, I kind of HAVE to eat slow or else I’ll get sick. Being mindful and in the moment is important. It’s helping me listen to my hunger and full cues and it’s helping me look at food a bit differently.

This morning I woke up and I am starting to see subtle difference in my clothes and the way I look in the mirror. I still have a long way to go, and it’s kind of nerving to me that I worked so hard on CDF before doing the UR. I don’t want the muscles I worked so hard for to get soft from not using them nearly as much as I have been since September. I love the feeling of accomplishment. And, it’s only been a few months, but I’ve accomplished a lot and couldn’t be happier.

I had two new meals and they were both delicious. One was black bean quinoa pilaf (the recipe called for lentils, but I don’t like them at all). It had carrots, celery, onion, red pepper, spices and seasonings, quinoa and black beans. It was very hearty and tasted really good. I wasn’t sure how it would be, and because I ate SO much quinoa in the first phase, I was kind of over it, BUT, for the first time I cooked the quinoa correctly and it was light and fluffy – not burnt and crunchy like I’ve always done with it. The veggies listed out at first sounded bizarre, but it really does work. This will be a quick simple meal I can make post-UR and meal prep with. That’s another reason I love the UR, most of the recipes I’m noticing, I can tweak to be able to fit it into my containers for afterwards. I’ll have to add meat to some of the meals, but other than that, a lot of these recipes I’ll be using afterwards. I mentioned before, when I started the UR, I had 6 weeks and 6 days until my 29th birthday. The UR recommends that after you finish the program, for the next 3 weeks to reintroduce the foods you used to eat really slowly. So, this gives me another three weeks after I’m done, to continue to make this a natural habit and part of my routine.

The other new meal was also for lunch: cucumber and tomato salad (with avocado added). At first I was nervous to make it because it had a few different vinegars among other things for the marinade, and I’m NOT a vinegar person. The smell alone makes me want to run away as quickly as possible (although, pickles and pickle juice… that’s my jam!). Everything mixed together and sitting in the fridge for a few days, it was actually really good. It was light and refreshing as well. And, DEFINITELY a nice change from having to eat SO MUCH SALAD.

My snack was vegan chocolate shakeology with avocado and cinnamon. I don’t see that changing any time soon. Well, until post UR. I can’t wait to have my almond butter, banana and chocolate!!!!

Dinner was sweet potato and roasted red pepper bisque with 2c steamed broccoli. I wish I could have had more broccoli. All I did was add water, microwave for 3 minutes and it came out PERFECT. Not too mushy, not too hard, and tasted DELICIOUS. I’m loving the bisque as well. I made four batches of it and I’m happy I did.

So, all in all, I’m having a good time. I woke up this morning feeling terrible. But, I took a VERY, VERY hot shower (which is abnormal for me, I usually take cold showers), and it seemed to help my muscles out a little bit. I don’t know if it’s from the yoga and stretching muscles, the detox, etc., but I’m extremely sore. It doesn’t make it any better my husband worked 24 hours yesterday. He left around 6:30am Thursday and I still haven’t seen him. I can’t really sleep well when he works at night because I’m a big baby, and I stayed up later than I should have, and slept in a weird position so my neck is really, really feeling terrible today. But, the shower helped a little and I’m able to be a functional human – well – kinda.

 

(For some reason, my laptop won’t let me upload pictures to this post, so maybe tomorrow I can edit it to show the meals I ate!)

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Ultimate Reset from Beach Body, Uncategorized

UR Day Five . . .

So, yesterday, I decided it was my last day of quinoa salad, ha. I usually get hooked on foods and stick with them for weeks and weeks (except for blueberries and avocados – we’re friends for life) but after having it for 4 days straight, I’m kinda over it. Besides, I meal prepped for those 4 days, so now I’m going to some new recipes for the last three days of phase 1. I can’t believe I’m already five days in. It really hasn’t been bad at all. The only thing I really miss is wine. I liked having a glass (or two) at night, or during dinner, or whenever. I’m beginning to realize it’s more of a habit than anything – I don’t NEED to drink wine, it was just the habit I got into while I cooked dinner. Cooking and (oddly enough) meal planning IS my ‘me’ time. Nine times out of 10, you’ll catch me in the corner of my (tiny) kitchen.

So, last night I went to the store and got a few more ingredients I needed to complete my meals. I grabbed some sweet potatoes so I could make a few baked sweet potatoes for lunches, and got some of the ingredients for a Greek salad (sans meat) with pine nuts. I’ve already made creamy herb dressing that I’ll use for the salad as well. I LOVE sweet potatoes, and with the way they came out when I did the roasted root medley, that’s what I plan on doing with my Tuesday lunch. Dinner for tonight and Tuesday are going to be the same, southwestern veggie taco because I just love it and could eat it every night for dinner. But, Monday I will be doing 1c black beans, 1/2c steamed broccoli and 1/2c brown rice. I’m excited for that because that’s usually a staple meal in my house. It usually has my grilled orange chicken with it, but, I can live without my grilled chicken for 21 days. I lived without it for nearly 25 years.

I tried a new recipe the Ultimate Reset had in their book for Shakeology and I LOVE it! There really isn’t much to not like about Shakeology (in my opinion..and my two year old’s, too!) and I’m glad I’m branching out and trying new recipes. The one I tried today was 1/4c mashed avocado (which worked out perfectly because I put a little avocado on my salad and I don’t like eating it when it turns brown if I can see it, but I couldn’t see it in my shake, so I saved some produce that way 😉 and it also had some cinnamon in it. It was thick and creamy like when I used a banana, and that part I LOVE! My two year old and I were fighting over who got to make the big ‘sllluuurrrrrp’ noise at the end with the straw (I let her win, of course…)

Dinner tonight was the southwestern veggie taco again. I LOVE this! For dinner for my family, I made homemade mac and cheese, sauted fresh spinach and pork tenderloin marinated in my orange chicken recipe. While I would have loved some of that comfort food, I really enjoyed my dinner. I love not feeling bogged down with this intense full feeling, but I am full enough to not be hungry. I’ve really started beginning to listen to my hunger cues and my full cues. It feels amazing to be able to know what that feels like. I’m slowly changing my relationship with food, and that is big. I started that journey when I was starting the 21 Day Fix, learning portion control and learning which foods work best for my body. Doing the UR, now I am more in tune with what I put in my body, what foods go together to give your body the best results, etc. I’m getting on a better schedule with meal times and learning when my body is hungry. This will be a really helpful tool after I am done with the UR so I can learn when to say ‘I’m done’ or ‘I need to eat now’. I’m really anxious to see if I’ve made any progress, but I am trying to stay away from the scale and the measuring tape. I physically feel better; I feel lighter and not so weighed down.

I’ve really been missing exercising the way that I used to. It’s really taking a lot of getting used to. Going from Core De Force to light walking and yoga is a big change. I’m still trying to be in the moment and enjoy this rest I’m giving my body. It definitely needs it. When the kiddos go back to school Tuesday, I’m wanting to get back into my morning walk routine with Khloe in the Tula. We won’t walk nearly as many miles as we used to (usually 6-8 miles), but being able to walk 2-3 a day, plus my yoga will definitely be nice. Khloe loves to be worn and loves to go on our daily walks, so she’ll be glad we’re starting up again, too!

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