Uncategorized

It’s been a while…

So, it’s been a while since I’ve last posted. Since then, I’ve done quite a few things in regards to my health journey. I managed to complete the Ultimate Reset for a second time, completed a program I never thought I would ever want to do (hello Shift Shop), I did Shaun T Week, I finished CDF for a second time and I am almost done with 8 weeks of PiYo…and it’s been awesome. I’ve managed to keep the 14lbs I lost on the Ultimate Reset off instead of gaining it all back. I learned that, despite what my dermatologist and PCP told me, I DO have a sensitivity to dairy – I’ve kept dairy out of my food intake for the past two months and the rash I had on my hand has magically disappeared. It reappeared once during that time, and it was when I made zucchini cheese bread and ate a few pieces. I did four rounds of heavy antibiotics with two rounds of heavy steroids and that didn’t even scratch the surface of my rash. I’ve also remained a vegetarian for the most part. I’ve had salmon and a little chicken in the past two months. I don’t care for it much anymore and the vegetarian/vegan substitutes I’ve found I really enjoy – so do my kids – so it’s a win-win!

However, this post isn’t about my health journey – not so much. I’ve contemplated for a while posting this, because it is extremely, extremely personal and may be triggering to some of the people reading my post. So, I am going to put a TRIGGER WARNING right now. My post is going to talk about suicide and my personal story about it. So, if you would be triggered in any way, shape or form reading about suicide, please, do not continue.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I’ve never talked about my suicide attempt online, or really in person; except for a few people. My husband, and that’s about it. And even he doesn’t really know all of the details. I feel it’s important to talk about this because many people that follow me and read about my life and my health journey with Beachbody see where I am, a year LATER (well, almost! September 6th). A lot of people assume I have this peachy life, a SAHM that has her shit together. I make my homemade meals and I keep my home organized; my kids get to school on time and get their homework done. They’re all bright, well-rounded kids that are sweet, respectful and amazing. I work out every day, I drink my Shakeology. I hold myself (and others) accountable for their health journey. I have an amazing husband that literally, is the most amazing man I’ve ever had the opportunity to know. And we get to live this life together, sharing our love, comforting each other, watching our three kids grow.
What y’all might not see, is where I was, in March of 2012. The end of March and beginning of April are always hard for me. My dad’s birthday is April 3rd and having to “celebrate” his birthday without him always hits close to home for me. Sometimes it’s worse than the actual anniversary of his death (8/8/08). I attribute this to never really dealing with my dad’s death. I was almost 9 months pregnant with my second child and had a 15 month old as well. I had spent years of my life in therapy, in and out of hospitals, residential treatment centers, to deal with my eating disorder. To deal with my drug use. To deal with self-harm. I surely didn’t want to go to therapy to talk about my father’s death. Talking about why I hate eating and why I cut myself was a lot easier than having to be emotional about my father’s death. Besides, I was just angry. I’m still angry.
In February of 2012, my ex-husband and I were fighting a lot more than usual. We weren’t getting along. We weren’t really talking. We were having a lot of financial problems. I was the only one working, two jobs. He couldn’t hold down a job – whether that be because he was too hungover the next day to go to work, or he just didn’t feel like going in, or his favorite excuse, he was going to “go back to school.” So, it was up to me, to take care of our 4 and 3 year old, make sure my 4 year old went to his therapies and had his therapists come to our home (my ex husband didn’t think there was anything wrong with our son, so, he didn’t feel like therapy was necessary), go to school full time and go to work full time between my two jobs. I felt overwhelmed. I felt sad. I was scared for my future. I didn’t want my children to see their mother so unhappy. I wanted them to have the kind of childhood I had; I don’t remember much of it, but I do know that my parents loved us and each other very much. Their relationship was such a rare sight. They genuinely really loved each other. I wanted my children to see that. I wanted my daughter to see how a man should love a woman. I wanted my son to see how a man should treat his wife. In my current situation, that wasn’t ever going to happen. My ex husband and I were not capable of doing that together.
I felt trapped. I couldn’t breathe. My anxiety and OCD was going through the roof. I felt like there was no end in sight and I would be stuck in this ridiculous, vicious cycle forever. All of the coping tools I had in my belt went out the window. I just didn’t give a shit anymore. I wasn’t important. Life wasn’t important. What hurts me the most (reflecting back), is that I didn’t even feel like I was worthy of my children. I was damaged goods, and that’s all I’d ever be. I felt hopeless. I felt dark. And at times, I felt absolutely nothing.  I went through the motions every day. I put that fake smile on my face. I took care of my children and my ex husband like a good wife and mother, even though silently and ever so slowly, I was dying inside. I felt like I had no one to talk to. My dad was dead, my ex husband couldn’t care less about me, and when I tried to call my mother, over and over and over, she just didn’t answer. The three people that were supposed to help me, were supposed to love me unconditionally, just weren’t there, and that made me go to a place that I never thought was imaginable for me. I’ve been depressed before, I’ve wanted to die before; I’d made plans before. I was always able to crawl out of that hole though. I was always able to muster up just a little more energy to not follow through.
Not on March 23, 2012. A lot of the events are fuzzy, because the medication I took was a sleep and anxiety aid, and I took a lot of it. My ex husband had woken me up from sleeping (the first time in probably 3 or 4 days), yelling at me about something, I don’t remember what exactly now. He was just so angry with me. The kids were still sleeping, it was about 6:30am. He went into the living room and I locked our bedroom door, then our bathroom door. Something in me snapped. I tried calling my mom; I needed someone to talk to. Someone to cry to. To ask if my life was always going to be like this. She had gotten a new boyfriend a few weeks prior to this incident, and I later found out she was with him, while I was trying to call. I know I shouldn’t feel resentment for that, but I do. I resent her a lot for that. She probably doesn’t deserve that, and I’d never tell her that, but I can’t help but feel how I feel. When she didn’t answer the phone, I found my medication. I didn’t care anymore. I wanted this to be over. I wanted to sleep forever and never wake up. I took the entire bottle of my medication and walked into the living room. I told my ex husband to please tell the kids I love them. I walked into the backyard and I just sat on the ground, looking at the sky. Following the clouds. It took my ex husband a few minutes to figure out what I had done, and I remember him telling me, “you need to go make yourself throw up now” while he was on the phone with the ambulance. I didn’t want to go to the hospital, and when the cops came with the ambulance, I found them off. I was put in restraints in the back of the ambulance. I wanted nothing to do with the EMS, or hospital staff. When I got to the hospital I had to drink charcoal to help with the medication I took. It was one of the most vile things I’ve ever had to drink. I was so angry I was in the hospital. And I got even more angry when I was put in the adult psych unit. I’d been in there many times as a teenager in the adolescent wing because of my eating disorder (back then, Asheville didn’t have a lot of the resources they thankfully do now in regards to those with eating disorders. If you weren’t “sick enough” for UNC-Chapel Hill, you were put into a psych ward to help get your levels managed.)
I tried to opt to just go home, I played it off like I just took a few extra sleeping pills because I hadn’t slept in days (which, was partially true – and definitely could have aided in my thought process on this day). I had to be in the psych unit for at least 72 hours, and then the psychiatrist would determine if I was well enough, or not a danger to myself or others. I was stuck in there for six days. While in there, I didn’t talk much. I didn’t get close to anyone. I just wanted to get home. I had a lot of time to reflect while I was in there. I had a lot of time to think and reevaluate my decisions. But, being in there was necessary. I didn’t think it was at the time, and I hated that it wasn’t my decision when I could leave, but it is what it is.
When I got home, my kids didn’t really understand what had happened. Thankfully, they were young enough not to remember any of it. When and if they ask about suicide, I plan to be honest and talk in age-appropriate language. I have a 5th grader and a 3rd grader and an almost 3 year old – my 3rd and 5th grader are right around the age that my eating disorder took a huge turn for the worse, as did my self-harm. I wouldn’t say I am ashamed of what I did – I am angry with myself for what I did. I am angry that I couldn’t just deal with my situation-it scares me sometimes that I could get to that low point in my life. My ex husband hardly said anything to me, and in September of that year, we separated, after eight years of being together. It was perhaps one of the best things to happen in my life.
So, why did I just write all of this? Why did I just tell y’all something so extremely personal? A few reasons. 1) this was mainly for me. Being able to talk about it and make it real, it’s the first time I’ve felt a little relief. I’m an emotional person, but I hardly show emotion – unless I feel really comfortable with you – and even then – it’s hard to talk. Writing is much easier for me. I can get my thoughts out and not be interrupted. I can re read what I’ve typed to make sure it’s conveying what I truly want to say. Speaking for me is too quick, and I often get off track. 2) just because you see someone that looks like they have a great life, don’t underestimate what they’ve gone through, or what they are currently going through. I push myself and continue to stay focused on my health journey because it’s a priority of mine. A top priority. I’ve seen what happens to me when I allow myself to take care of absolutely everyone else before I even scratch the surface on myself. It’s not fair, it’s not right, and I won’t allow it anymore. 3) I am proof that if you want something badly enough, you will make it happen. It won’t always be easy. It will almost always be hard. It will ALWAYS be worth it. I’m sharing this part of my story of my life, because maybe, it’ll inspire or help someone reading this. My past doesn’t hold me back anymore; it’s simply a reminder of how far I’ve honestly come. 4) there are still days that I struggle, and struggle hard with depression and mania. Sometimes I’ll have so much energy I need to stay up all night; my brain just won’t stop. Some days, I’m so sad I don’t want to get out of bed or be around people. The difference now, is that I have better coping skills. And I use those coping skills. I have healthier ways to cope. I have people that I can genuinely talk to, if I need to. I have people in my life that mean something to me, and I actually mean something to them. I am important. I am loved. And, I believe it.

 

****IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW ARE HAVING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE: THE NATIONAL SUICIDE HOTLINE IS: 1-888-273-8255****

Advertisements
Standard
Ultimate Reset from Beach Body, Uncategorized

The Ultimate Reset is D.O.N.E!!!! . . .

So, you guys, I DID IT! I DID IT! I completed the Ultimate Reset with absolutely NO cheats. No coffee, no wine, I followed the plan to a T. And GUESS WHAT?! It worked! Was it hard? HELL YES. Was it worth it? I can’t even begin to describe how worth it was!

image3

My first coffee in almost a month! It was DELICIOUS and I feel like I can fly to the moon!!!!

As most of you know, I’ve struggled with an eating disorder for a very, very long time. My entire life has always revolved around food – in a negative light. As a way to deal with my feelings, emotions and my life. When something was hard, I turned to food – but not consuming it – I would starve myself and punish myself for things going wrong in my life. I have never learned how to deal with life without using food as a crutch. As young as five, I was comparing myself to others, wondering why they were happy and I wasn’t. Obviously at five, it wasn’t about weight loss, but it was about control. And at five, my parents were none the wiser because it was “typical” for a kid to be “picky” with their food. So, it became a habit of mine to refuse food as a way of comfort and control over something in my life.

Being in and out of treatment centers and hospitals during my childhood, teen years and young adult life really took away so many years of my life. I have so many regrets. A main regret in my life is not getting my act together before my father died. I look back and think about all of the months and years I was away from my dad because of my eating disorder. I’ll never get those years or months back. I left AMA from my last treatment center because my dad was diagnosed with cancer. We didn’t know what was wrong with him for over a year, and a week after I got home from Avalon Hills, he got his diagnosis. Two days after that, a very, very dear friend of mine passed away at 17. It was a very, very hard home-coming. I resorted back to my eating disorder to deal with the pain, anxiety and overwhelming emotions that came with all of this news so suddenly. My daddy, the strongest man I had ever known, had cancer. A rare type of cancer. He fought for so long and never gave up. He was my rock. I’m not a very emotional person, and I don’t open up to people hardly ever, but this man was someone I could talk to and not feel judged. I felt nothing but love and acceptance, and in the blink of an eye, he was gone. He never got to meet my first daughter, Ryleigh, because he passed away exactly a month before she was born. He got to spend 15 months with my first born, Daniel, and made so many wonderful memories. He never got to meet my last daughter, Khloe. My kids will never have their kick-ass, metal music loving, head-banging grandpa. My husband will never get to meet the man that taught me how true love should feel. I keep him in my daily life by talking about him, by bringing him up when an Iron Maiden song comes on, by teaching my youngest how to head-bang (just like my daddy did when I was a little girl – he never wanted me to cut my hair, so I could head-bang for him, because he never could grow out his 80’s hair metal long hair like he always wanted t0). It’s been a little over eight years since my dad died. You’re not supposed to bury your parent when you’re 20 years old. I had so much left to show him. I had so many things to tell him. I had grandbabies for him to love on and see how good of a mom I am. I’m not religious or spiritual at all, but I know he’s around. Little things like looking at a clock and seeing ‘8:08’ (he passed on 8/8/08 – I was born on 2/28/88 at 8:58; 8 is kind of my number), or thinking of him and when I turn the car on, “Run To the Hills” is already playing, I always say, “hey dad, love you too.”
I’m explaining this, because during the Ultimate Reset, it taught me a lot. It taught me that I spent so many years of my life trying to “make up” for everything I did in my past. That may sound crazy to some, but it makes sense to me. During the UR, it’s not just a detox from harmful toxins and chemicals that are in our drinking water, in our food choices, etc. It’s also a detox from hurtful emotions, learning about how your body really works, choosing to make good eating decisions, and not giving up on yourself. There were times where I just wanted a damn cup of coffee. Or a yummy piece of Double Bubble bubblegum. OR A PIECE OF STEAK. But I refrained, because I wanted to let myself know that I am strong enough. I have the will-power to choose not to put unhealthy things in my body. But it’s a DIFFERENT will-power than before with anorexia. THAT’S the biggest change. I have will-power, but it’s not being used NEGATIVELY. I’m not depriving myself of healthy food. I’m not looking at an apple the same way as a candy bar. And that. is. HUGE. for me. I made a promise to my dad when he was in the hospital for the last time, when they told us she had maybe 3 months to live (he made it 6 weeks). I went to visit him and we talked for hours. I was pregnant with Ryleigh at the time, and he told me, “Kris, I wish you could see how beautiful you really are. You’re the most beautiful woman I know. I wish you saw the value in yourself.” I have never seen my father cry. He told me once, when I was at my first residential treatment center  (Renfrew), that after he and my mom dropped me off there, he went in the shower, sat down and cried because he felt so powerless. He couldn’t help his little girl. I promised him right then and there, that I would try my hardest to learn to love myself and be proud of myself. I promised him I’d find a way to love myself and take care of myself. Having that alone time with him, that one on one time, despite being in the hospital, was something that needed to happen in my life. It was like my good-bye to him. He passed away 4 days after my parents 24th wedding anniversary, after re-proposing to my mom (to a sweet Judas Priest song – just like my dad to bring include a kick-ass band) at the beach for our last family vacation ever. He passed away 8 hours away from me. I remember my mom calling me and telling me he was gone. I was sitting on my couch, holding my son, pregnant with my daughter, and my mom calls me and tells me he passed away. The feeling I felt right then, it never goes away. People say time heals things, that’s a load of crap. No amount of positive thinking will fix how I feel about my dad’s death. My dad was one of the best men on this Earth. He’d give you the shirt off his back regardless of knowing you or not. He was an amazing family man, that cooked and cleaned and took care of my brother and me. He worked 12-14 hours a day, never complaining. Hell, his job had to tell him to STAY HOME when he was going through chemo because he wanted to work, because he was worried about medical bills. He didn’t want my mom, brother and I to suffer. I feel like he held on so long for us. The type of cancer he had, wiped out his RBC, WBC, platelets, everything. He was running on virtually nothing, yet, he was still getting up, welcoming the day and getting things done. That’s just who he was. Always on the go. And I’m proud to say that I have that amazing quality of his; always on the go, getting shit done.

The Ultimate Reset has been an amazing, amazing journey. A lot of people kept telling me how much self-control I had to stay away from certain foods, to follow a strict diet, meal plan and prep, etc. I’ve been following a pretty strict regemin since September, so it was easy for me to just look at it that way. And, it was only for 3 weeks. I made it through going to friends houses for parties, going out to eat, etc. I believed in myself that I could do this program, and it worked. IT WORKED.

image2-1

My LAST day (yesterday) of the Ultimate Reset! 

I didn’t start this program to lose weight – because losing a massive amount of weight in a short amount of time isn’t effective. It just isn’t. Losing weight is part of the process though, because you are detoxing from so many different things. You slowly take out meat, dairy and grains from your diet – three of the most irritating ingredients for your GI tract. Then, over 3 weeks, you slowly re-introduce those food items to your diet, and figure out (if) which foods you should avoid or consume less of. I wanted to do this program so I could get out of a plauteu and jump-start the next program I am going to do – 21 Day Fix EXTREME! I had finished CDF about a week before doing the Ultimate Reset, and that program took A LOT out of me. It was a TOUGH, although very rewarding, program. I knew my body needed a break and with the Ultimate Reset, doing strenuous exercising isn’t ‘allowed’, so I have been doing the 3 week yoga retreat. It was the perfect time to do this.

image4

I weigh myself more than I probably should, and that is something that I continue to work on.

One of the toughest things for me during the UR was not being able to taste food I’ve cooked or baked for my family and other people. I hate not knowing what my food tastes like before I serve it to people. So, I had to constantly remind myself not to lick the spoon (or my fingers, lol) while making food. Another big thing was gum. I LOVE GUM (I think I’ve mentioned this a few times, hah) and I have two huge tubs, plus two big bags, next to my bed. Those sat there the ENTIRE three weeks and I didn’t even have ONE. Hell, yesterday Khloe fell asleep in the Tula while I walked to get the kiddos from school, and she never naps, so I decided to take the kids to Dunkin’ to get a donut so she could nap a little more. The guy at the counter asked if I wanted my regular coffee, and I say, “no, not today” and he looks at me like I have 4 heads. It was so easy to just say no, instead of giving in. Some people on the UR cheat and have coffee, or have a cheat meal and I just couldn’t do it. I spent a lot of money on a program that I intended to finish and not cave and give into things that I KNOW will be there AFTER the program. But, I did have a small coffee today! I rewarded myself for not caving.

I plan on following the meal plan I have been on for the next 3 weeks, with a few added things like lean meats and some grains. I think I will leave dairy out for quite a bit longer. I plan on finishing the 3 week yoga retreat (I have 6 days left of that) and then diving into the 21 DFX.

image1-1

The top three across are on January 11th, when I started. The second three across are from January 18th and the third row across are from today, on day 22. 

So, now, here are my results. I lost a total of 12.2 pounds and 22.5″ all over (10″ of that was just in my hips, waist and chest alone). And I GAINED self-confidence. I’m at a place now where I don’t feel like I need to lose weight. I need to tone up and embrace the shape that I have now. I’m not focused on the number anymore, and I plan (okay, I hope, because this is hard and always has been for me) on having the scale be put away from today until March 1st. I want to focus on how I FEEL and how my clothes FIT. Not so much the number on the scale. I’m at a healthy BMI for my height and weight. I need to focus on those aspects and not the number. I AM HEALTHY. And I did it the RIGHT WAY.

If you’re thinking about doing the Ultimate Reset, or really, any Beachbody program, whether that be the 21 Day Fix, PiYo, yoga, Core De Force, or you just want to be healthier, you want to commit to something bigger than yourself – DO IT. No one says “damn, I wish I never had worked out” after completing a work out. You should be proud of yourself that you want to commit to something – and do something for yourself. You should be proud for putting yourself first. So many of us put everyone before ourselves, and we tend to get lost in life picking up after everyone. YOU deserve happiness. YOU deserve to feel good about yourself. And YOU most DEFINITELY deserve to LOVE yourself. Dude, if I can do this, YOU CAN, TOO. It’s not easy, but nothing in life is easy that is worth it. As cliche as that sounds – it’s completely true.

image1-2

The top three across are from September 6, 2016, when I started my journey with Beachbody and Shakeology. The bottom three across are from today, February 1st. Almost 5 months to the day. This is from doing 3 rounds of the 21 Day Fix, 1 round of Core De Force, and the Ultimate Reset.

It’s hard to post these photos. I still have a ways to go to get more toned and more muscle, but I am putting these photos out here because they are REAL. They are ME. REAL results from REAL people doing things the HEALTHY way. I’m PROUD of how far I have come in such a short amount of time. I’ve been inspiring people to take charge of their health and learn to love themselves. THAT is why I became a coach. My whole life, I’ve been the one friend anyone could come to and talk to, and not feel judged. I’ve done way too much in my life to judge anyone. If I can help people to get motivated and STAY motivated, that’s a win for me. If I can help people love themselves and be PROUD of themselves, that’s a win.

My mind-set has changed ten-fold since starting the Ultimate Reset. People said that there would be raw emotions that just pop up out of no where and you kinda just have to embrace them. Well, today’s one of those days. And it feels damn good to be able to share with people my struggles, my successes, my failures and my progress.

I’m wearing jeans today I haven’t worn in over 6 years AND I feel comfortable in them! It’s an amazing feeling. I look in the mirror and see some definition. I look in the mirror, and most importantly, I’m learning to love what I see, every single day. That’s my motivation. That’s my self-control. There’s nothing magical about it – I’m striving to keep that promise to my daddy – to learn to love myself, do things in moderation, and never lose my sense of self-worth.

Standard
Ultimate Reset from Beach Body, Uncategorized

UR Day Nine . . .

So, I’m almost in the double digits of the Ultimate Reset! Almost half way there. I’ve decided that I will blog the day after I complete a day in the UR because it seems easier that way. Then, on day 22, I’ll be able to post my final progression photo of the UR.

Breakfast was pretty simple – 3c fruit, again, lol. But, the fruit tastes SO good. I’m really digging it. Yesterday I had honeydew melon, strawberries, blueberries and black berries. I meal prepped and put it all together a few days ago and all of the flavors together taste really, really good!

I was able to do my yoga and stay on par with meals and actually was able to eat dinner by 7:30. SO much better than eating at 9-10pm. I’m still having trouble falling asleep, but sleeping really soundly. Usually the smallest little thing used to wake me up. I don’t know if that’s because I’m just exhausted or if that’s because my sleep patterns are changing. At any rate, I’m really digging it because my fibromyalgia could really use a few good days of sleep.

I’ve been drinking distilled water like it’s going out of style. I think I’m down 14 gallons in 10 days. It’s pretty crazy. I’ve always been a really big water drinker, but for some reason, I’ve gotten a lot more thirsty during the UR than I ever have been – even while breastfeeding. I’m going to guess it’s got to do with the detox.

When starting phase two, a new packet of loveliness was introduced that I need to partake in 3x a day. I was VERY nervous at first because the greens taste so horrible (they’re growing on me, though. They’re still not good, but, I don’t gag anymore, so, winning!), but I was really pleasantly surprised at the taste. The texture is a bit wonky, but, it kind of tastes like how sweet tea smells to me. I don’t drink tea (except green tea, very seldom I might add, and it has to be SUPER ice cold), but I didn’t have to choke it down, shoot it down, plug my nose, so, that’s good 😉

The amount of food in each meal still seems pretty large. Yesterday, when I was eating my lunch, it was really hard to finish it all. I did, and was happy I did, but, it’s A LOT of food. It’s been great, though, that the meals taste delicious and it helps me to be able to finish it. I usually eat pretty quickly, but since starting the UR, I kind of HAVE to eat slow or else I’ll get sick. Being mindful and in the moment is important. It’s helping me listen to my hunger and full cues and it’s helping me look at food a bit differently.

This morning I woke up and I am starting to see subtle difference in my clothes and the way I look in the mirror. I still have a long way to go, and it’s kind of nerving to me that I worked so hard on CDF before doing the UR. I don’t want the muscles I worked so hard for to get soft from not using them nearly as much as I have been since September. I love the feeling of accomplishment. And, it’s only been a few months, but I’ve accomplished a lot and couldn’t be happier.

I had two new meals and they were both delicious. One was black bean quinoa pilaf (the recipe called for lentils, but I don’t like them at all). It had carrots, celery, onion, red pepper, spices and seasonings, quinoa and black beans. It was very hearty and tasted really good. I wasn’t sure how it would be, and because I ate SO much quinoa in the first phase, I was kind of over it, BUT, for the first time I cooked the quinoa correctly and it was light and fluffy – not burnt and crunchy like I’ve always done with it. The veggies listed out at first sounded bizarre, but it really does work. This will be a quick simple meal I can make post-UR and meal prep with. That’s another reason I love the UR, most of the recipes I’m noticing, I can tweak to be able to fit it into my containers for afterwards. I’ll have to add meat to some of the meals, but other than that, a lot of these recipes I’ll be using afterwards. I mentioned before, when I started the UR, I had 6 weeks and 6 days until my 29th birthday. The UR recommends that after you finish the program, for the next 3 weeks to reintroduce the foods you used to eat really slowly. So, this gives me another three weeks after I’m done, to continue to make this a natural habit and part of my routine.

The other new meal was also for lunch: cucumber and tomato salad (with avocado added). At first I was nervous to make it because it had a few different vinegars among other things for the marinade, and I’m NOT a vinegar person. The smell alone makes me want to run away as quickly as possible (although, pickles and pickle juice… that’s my jam!). Everything mixed together and sitting in the fridge for a few days, it was actually really good. It was light and refreshing as well. And, DEFINITELY a nice change from having to eat SO MUCH SALAD.

My snack was vegan chocolate shakeology with avocado and cinnamon. I don’t see that changing any time soon. Well, until post UR. I can’t wait to have my almond butter, banana and chocolate!!!!

Dinner was sweet potato and roasted red pepper bisque with 2c steamed broccoli. I wish I could have had more broccoli. All I did was add water, microwave for 3 minutes and it came out PERFECT. Not too mushy, not too hard, and tasted DELICIOUS. I’m loving the bisque as well. I made four batches of it and I’m happy I did.

So, all in all, I’m having a good time. I woke up this morning feeling terrible. But, I took a VERY, VERY hot shower (which is abnormal for me, I usually take cold showers), and it seemed to help my muscles out a little bit. I don’t know if it’s from the yoga and stretching muscles, the detox, etc., but I’m extremely sore. It doesn’t make it any better my husband worked 24 hours yesterday. He left around 6:30am Thursday and I still haven’t seen him. I can’t really sleep well when he works at night because I’m a big baby, and I stayed up later than I should have, and slept in a weird position so my neck is really, really feeling terrible today. But, the shower helped a little and I’m able to be a functional human – well – kinda.

 

(For some reason, my laptop won’t let me upload pictures to this post, so maybe tomorrow I can edit it to show the meals I ate!)

Standard
Uncategorized

UR Day Seven & Eight . . .

So, I’ve been a little MIA lately. I promised to post daily about my UR journey and I haven’t done that, so I apologize. I’m here now, though 😉

Day 7 was Tuesday. The first week of the ultimate reset was a lot easier than I thought it would be. The only thing that’s been REALLY difficult to kick a habit of, is eating gum right before bed while watching TV. I HAVEN’T given in to the craving/habit, so there’s a gold star for me right there – but boy – it’s hard. I used to tell myself that it’s not REALLY candy, it’s gum and you don’t swallow it…but, excuses, excuses. It was a TON of unnecessary sugar right before bed that my body and teeth really didn’t welcome. I don’t chew the sugar-free minty gum – no no no. It’s yummy sugar-filled Double Bubble or Super Bubble. But, I’ve got two tubs next to my bed I haven’t touched in 9 days, so, winning!

Day 7 was the last day I had (not really had, but chose) to repeat foods. I’m really sad the zucchini-cashew soup and southwestern veggie tacos aren’t on the menu for phase two – I REALLY enjoyed those dishes!! But this week looks pretty tasty, too, so we’ll see what’s up!

I’ve been doing the 3 week yoga retreat combined with the UR and it’s going all right. I’m not a fan of yoga, I never have been. While in treatment, we had yoga class a few times a week and I just couldn’t get into it. It frustrates me that you have to go so slowly, then breathe nicely though the movements and “be in the moment” – I’m not like that. I’m constantly thinking of 15-20 different things at a time, while moving around and doing something. I’m not the type of person to sit, either. I feel guilty, like I should be doing something. I’m always anxious and all over the place — and this is exactly why I need to embrace this 3 week yoga retreat. Ever since my father died, I’ve become a very different person – full of a lot of anger and resentment – I never used to be like that, but taking away the one person that means the absolute world to you, can do some crazy things with your mind and personality. However, I owe it to my husband and my children and MYSELF, to become a more in the moment, less angry person. I need to let go of some of the control I harbor and just let things be as they are. When I find myself thinking about, “what am I going to make for dinner?”, “are the kids still sleeping?”, “is Khloe going to be a crazy little human today?”, etc., while doing yoga, I take a deep breath (you know, the ones I hate to do) and start listening to the instructors voice so I can go through the movements and come back to the moment. Although, today, a different person was leading the group, Faith was her name, and she was just TOO calm for me, hah. I almost didn’t get my yoga in today because Kenny woke up late, so I woke up late, Khloe was starting to fuss (but thankfully went back to sleep), I wanted to take a shower before taking the kids to school…. but I did it and told myself I can take a shower after I drop them off. So, yay for that.

Day 8 was yesterday, Wednesday. It was the first day of new foods to try. On Tuesday, I went to get my phone fixed (you know, the one I left on the roof like the smart person I am) and it took nearly 6 hours of waiting. It felt like an eternity and it royally screwed up my grocery shopping trip, my meal planning and my meal prepping. So, Wednesday was hard for me. I woke up early, and got my yoga in early, and wanted to start trying to move my schedule to a more normal time of eating meals. Because of how the UR is set up, you need to wait certain lengths of time before taking your supplements and/or eating your meals/snack. So, it’s hard for me to get my last meal in before 9pm. And because I wasn’t able to go grocery shopping before Wednesday, I had to do that before I made my lunch for Wednesday. Moral of the story – it’s REALLY hard to keep a strict tight schedule without meal planning and prepping ahead of time. Prepping and planning are two key things for me staying on track. I noticed even with the 21 DF and CDF, I needed to make my meals AT LEAST the night before, so I could just grab them out of the fridge and go about my day. With three kids, a husband, maintaining a home, running errands, making appointments, etc., planning is everything. Time is important and pretty sacred in this house.

For breakfast, I had 3 cups of fruit. This phase, we’re taking dairy out of the mix, so now it’s completely vegan. I was a vegan for a few years, and a vegetarian for over 20 years, so, this really isn’t that difficult for me. Although, I do miss the tart yogurt that went with the sweet fruit for breakfast. I made a fruit salad of blueberries, strawberries and honeydew melon. I ate that while I made my grocery list and meal plan for the next 4 days. I’ve never really been a fruit fan, but I’m really starting to dig the way the fruit is tasting. It’s really weird, but my taste buds seem to be changing and things that typically didn’t taste good to me, taste really good. So, that’s always a win.
image2-2

For lunch, I had sweet potato and red pepper bisque with a Greek salad (1 head romain lettuce, 1 medium cucumber, 1 medium tomoato, 1/8 avocado and Greek dressing I made per the UR guide). No pine nuts this time. This salad was easier to eat for some reason. I don’t know if maybe it was because the yogurt was taken away from breakfast or what, but, I’m glad I didn’t have to suffer through it though, hah. Salad is probably my favorite food – grilled chicken on top of salad is just the bees knees. But, I’ve had enough salad to feed an army the last few days. Like, seriously. It’s insane. The bisque was DELICIOUS! I’m glad it’s an option for lunches and dinners. I like it a little thicker than what it came out to, but that’s okay. The taste is spot on. I roasted red peppers on my grill and then boiled sweet potatoes, added veggie stock, and my goodness – yummy! This bisque also doesn’t leave you feeling full and bloated – but it definitely tastes and feels like comfort food.
image1-3

I did my vegan chocolate shakeology with 1/4 avocado and cinnamon the past two days as well. I LOVE it. I can’t wait until I can have my full scoop of shakeology and try it like that as well (I use my shakeology as a snack, so a snack serving size is 1/2 scoop). I’m missing being able to have my shakeology for breakfast, but, it’s only a few more days. I drank this while I was meal prepping and also making supper for the rest of the family.
image3-1

For supper I had red kidney beans and brown rice, 1c steamed zucchini and 1c steamed green beans. I made the family chicken fajitas. My husband and kiddos have been asking for them for a while, so, they enjoyed those and I enjoyed my supper. I won’t lie, the chicken smelled super delicious, but, again, it’s only a few more days 🙂 (I never got a photo, but, I mean, it’s rice, beans and veggies, haha)

Another major thing I’ve noticed, as well, is that food tastes good without having to season it with salt and pepper and all of these spices. I made brown rice with just water and rice. Usually, I add goya, or sazon (when I want to make yellow rice) and a little EVOO. The brown rice and red beans I made yesterday with just a little liquid aminos, super yummy. That’s a major thing I will be changing when I go back to eating my 21 day fix containers. No more unnecessary seasoning of my foods. They taste good without it. The steamed zucchini and green beans I had last night had nothing but just water to steam in the microwave and they tasted so crisp and delicious. I know, I know, it sounds nuts, but it’s true!

I’m hoping that I can get into a better routine with updating my blog. I enjoy writing and enjoy getting things off my chest and I’m sure my Facebook friends enjoy a break from me posting all of the time, 😉 but, it’s my Facebook and I’ll post if I want to, haha. Life just gets in the way and before you know it, it’s the next day and time to tackle the world again.

Tonight, Kenny is working a shut down, which means overtime, which means I won’t see him for a while, so tonight I’ll be able to blog about today’s recipes and feelings and whatnot.

I’ll leave y’all with some progress photos. While the progress doesn’t look like much, the way I am feeling makes up for it. Then again, it’s only been one week and I’ve got two weeks left to go.  I’m proud of myself for doing this and not quitting. I’m proud of myself for realizing that I am worth it to become healthy. I’m trying to make 2017 a healthy year for me. Why not start it out with a detox and cleanse?

image1-2

The top three photos were taken on 1/11/17. The bottom three were taken yesterday (although, I already drank 38oz of water by this time, lol). I am down 4 pounds and 2 inches in my waist. Like I said, not a lot, and that’s okay. I already eat pretty healthy anyway, so I’m not looking too much to lose weight as much as I am trying to pin-point allergy triggers.

I’m trying to get used to the idea of taking these photos and actually sharing them. But, I need to put myself out there. I want others to realize that these photos show what a lot of moms PP bodies look like – stretch marks, extra fluff, (a mess toddler room, lol), and progression. I’m proud of where I’ve come (so far) and can’t wait to see what happens after the entire process is over.

Standard
Uncategorized

UR Day Six . . .

Today marks almost a week! Today was a struggle to get up, honestly. I’ve been so tired, I feel like I could sleep for hours and hours. I’m still sleeping very soundly, but I still wake up feeling like I could use a lot more sleep. I’m hoping once phase two starts, the clean eating I’ve been doing for the past almost week helps with the tired feeling. On the FB groups I’m in, so many people are tired around these days and then their energy picks up – hoping that day comes soon!

For breakfast today I had 3c fruit (pineapple, blueberries, strawberries and honeydew melon) and 3/4c non-fat plain yogurt. My son tried it and decided he wanted to have that for breakfast tomorrow, as well, so that’s a good win. Although, he’s my fruit and veggie lover, so there really wasn’t a surprise there. After tomorrow, dairy gets cut out of my diet, so I’m glad he’ll be using up the rest of the yogurt. I really enjoy having this for breakfast – it’ll become a big staple in my breakfast rotation when the UR is done. Like I’ve said before, I’m not really a fruit person, but having to eat A LOT of fruit lately, I’m really beginning to like it. Salad, on the other hand…I am struggling to eat these huge salads every day. I’m getting it done, but boy is it hard.

For lunch, I had a full serving of zucchini cashew soup, and I AM SO GLAD I could have more than I usually get for dinners. I can’t say enough good things about this soup. If you’re vegan, or dairy free, this really should become a staple in your house. It’s creamy and delicious. Very flavorful. I add a little homemade pico to mine (about 2 tsp) and it really does the trick.  I also had a microgreen salad with pine nuts and homemade creamy garlic dressing. Tomorrow I’m having a greek salad, and that’ll probably be the end of my creamy garlic dressing, so I’ll make a new one tomorrow and let you know how good the next one I make is. Like I said previously, it’s HARD getting down all of those vegetables. But, it’s part of the process and that’s what I’m supposed to do, follow the process. And trust it.

For my snack I had vegan chocolate Shakeology with 1/4c mashed avocado again. I forgot the cinnamon, but it was still delicious. If you’re trying to cut out a bunch of sugar and still want a thick shake, avocado is definitely the way to go! One thing I miss about being on the reset is having my my full serving of Shakeology. But, it’s only for a little while 🙂 15 more days!

Dinner was somewhat difficult today. I made my Colombian style salmon on the grill with brown rice, red kidney beans and grilled zucchini. I miss having my Colombian salmon and it smelled and looked delicious! Everyone enjoyed it, and Daniel even asked for a 3rd salmon taco (he basically eats everything in a wrap). By the end of the night Ry and him were fighting over who got to take the last bite. I got through it without a hitch and for dinner tonight I’m having steamed broccoli, red kidney beans and brown rice. I’d usually have this with chicken or fish, but, I’ll be okay 😉

I started meal prepping for tomorrow and for Wednesday. Wednesday starts my phase two (week two) of the UR, so I get to do new things. I need to meal plan tonight and tomorrow and go grocery shopping tomorrow for phase two’s list. I’m planning on doing 2-3 different ideas for breakfast, lunch and dinner because that seemed to make meal planning and prepping the easiest, quickest and cheapest. And those are always great qualities when you’re a busy mama!

Wednesday will be my weigh in and progress pictures, so, stay tuned!

Standard
Ultimate Reset from Beach Body, Uncategorized

UR Day Five . . .

So, yesterday, I decided it was my last day of quinoa salad, ha. I usually get hooked on foods and stick with them for weeks and weeks (except for blueberries and avocados – we’re friends for life) but after having it for 4 days straight, I’m kinda over it. Besides, I meal prepped for those 4 days, so now I’m going to some new recipes for the last three days of phase 1. I can’t believe I’m already five days in. It really hasn’t been bad at all. The only thing I really miss is wine. I liked having a glass (or two) at night, or during dinner, or whenever. I’m beginning to realize it’s more of a habit than anything – I don’t NEED to drink wine, it was just the habit I got into while I cooked dinner. Cooking and (oddly enough) meal planning IS my ‘me’ time. Nine times out of 10, you’ll catch me in the corner of my (tiny) kitchen.

So, last night I went to the store and got a few more ingredients I needed to complete my meals. I grabbed some sweet potatoes so I could make a few baked sweet potatoes for lunches, and got some of the ingredients for a Greek salad (sans meat) with pine nuts. I’ve already made creamy herb dressing that I’ll use for the salad as well. I LOVE sweet potatoes, and with the way they came out when I did the roasted root medley, that’s what I plan on doing with my Tuesday lunch. Dinner for tonight and Tuesday are going to be the same, southwestern veggie taco because I just love it and could eat it every night for dinner. But, Monday I will be doing 1c black beans, 1/2c steamed broccoli and 1/2c brown rice. I’m excited for that because that’s usually a staple meal in my house. It usually has my grilled orange chicken with it, but, I can live without my grilled chicken for 21 days. I lived without it for nearly 25 years.

I tried a new recipe the Ultimate Reset had in their book for Shakeology and I LOVE it! There really isn’t much to not like about Shakeology (in my opinion..and my two year old’s, too!) and I’m glad I’m branching out and trying new recipes. The one I tried today was 1/4c mashed avocado (which worked out perfectly because I put a little avocado on my salad and I don’t like eating it when it turns brown if I can see it, but I couldn’t see it in my shake, so I saved some produce that way 😉 and it also had some cinnamon in it. It was thick and creamy like when I used a banana, and that part I LOVE! My two year old and I were fighting over who got to make the big ‘sllluuurrrrrp’ noise at the end with the straw (I let her win, of course…)

Dinner tonight was the southwestern veggie taco again. I LOVE this! For dinner for my family, I made homemade mac and cheese, sauted fresh spinach and pork tenderloin marinated in my orange chicken recipe. While I would have loved some of that comfort food, I really enjoyed my dinner. I love not feeling bogged down with this intense full feeling, but I am full enough to not be hungry. I’ve really started beginning to listen to my hunger cues and my full cues. It feels amazing to be able to know what that feels like. I’m slowly changing my relationship with food, and that is big. I started that journey when I was starting the 21 Day Fix, learning portion control and learning which foods work best for my body. Doing the UR, now I am more in tune with what I put in my body, what foods go together to give your body the best results, etc. I’m getting on a better schedule with meal times and learning when my body is hungry. This will be a really helpful tool after I am done with the UR so I can learn when to say ‘I’m done’ or ‘I need to eat now’. I’m really anxious to see if I’ve made any progress, but I am trying to stay away from the scale and the measuring tape. I physically feel better; I feel lighter and not so weighed down.

I’ve really been missing exercising the way that I used to. It’s really taking a lot of getting used to. Going from Core De Force to light walking and yoga is a big change. I’m still trying to be in the moment and enjoy this rest I’m giving my body. It definitely needs it. When the kiddos go back to school Tuesday, I’m wanting to get back into my morning walk routine with Khloe in the Tula. We won’t walk nearly as many miles as we used to (usually 6-8 miles), but being able to walk 2-3 a day, plus my yoga will definitely be nice. Khloe loves to be worn and loves to go on our daily walks, so she’ll be glad we’re starting up again, too!

Standard
Uncategorized

UR Day Four . . .

So, day four is down! I was really curious how I’d deal with this meal plan, since the 3 day refresh is only…three days. I’m very pleased with myself that it went well!

I had a pretty crummy day yesterday. I went into Best Buy to check and see how their insurance plan (that I pay for) works. I wanted to see if I could have them send in my phone, and have a replacement sent back to me (like they said I could do). When I got there, at first he asked me if I knew there was a fee, upwards of $200 to have the phone repaired with the BB insurance. The lady that I originally bought the phone from, said NOTHING about that. She said, “you could drop it in the toilet and bring it to us, we give you a new one – that’s why you pay 7.99/mo instead of a fee”. That’s absolutely untrue. And, at any rate, because I have Apple Care, I can ONLY go to the Apple store to get my phone fixed. I was really ticked off. As we (I took my three kids with me) left, I was upset, but instead of letting it ruin my entire day (like I normally would), I didn’t. I took a breath and just dealt with it. I don’t like being lied to, especially when it comes to things like this. But, I’ll just call and cancel it and all will be done. I have to wait until Thursday to get my phone repaired and there’s really nothing I can do about it.

I was able to do my second day of the 3 week yoga retreat yesterday. I’m still really not digging yoga, and it’s really frustrating that it’s so slow, it’s boring, and it’s hard to do with 3 kids running around. Although, I think starting Monday I will be getting up with my husband again in the mornings so I can get yoga in BEFORE the kids wake up. I can’t lay down or close my eyes without someone needing something, crying for something, someone’s looking at someone funny… there are definitely no ommmm vibes going on with 3 kids. I think this will also help me eat earlier throughout the day. Because of how the UR is set up, you have to wait 30 minutes after taking your supplements to eat and then after eating, wait 2 hours to take your next set of supplements. So, it’s hard to get everything in before 9pm. I’m wanting to get it more to 7pm. So waking up and taking my supplements, do my yoga, then have my breakfast before 7:30am sounds like a better plan than what I’ve been doing.

Breakfast was 3 cups of fruit and 3/4c non-fat plain yogurt. I used 2c blueberries and 1c strawberries – and man – that’s a lot of blueberries 😀 It was super good though. I absolutely love blueberries. I could (and do, ha!) eat them every day. I’m really not a fruit person, but blueberries have my heart. With all three pregnancies I craved them and the craving just kind of stuck. And they’re in season now so I’ve been scooping them up for super cheap! I’ve noticed that blueberries for some reason, also tend to help my fibro pain, so that’s always a plus and probably why I like them so much 😉

Lunch was quinoa salad and microgreen salad. I am getting tired of quinoa, haha, so I put it on top of my microgreen salad and holy hell – that bowl had to weigh 3-4 pounds. At least it felt that way. It was really good together though, and I was able to finally eat an entire lunch, so that was good. I am happy to say, though, my next lunch is going to be something different: I’m going to do a greek salad with pine nuts and homemade creamy herb dressing and a baked sweet potato. I’m excited to try something new!

I got to take my lovely greens after lunch. They are getting better; I guess because I know what to expect now. In one of my Facebook groups, there was a lady that opened the greens packet, stuck it in her mouth and then chased with water – I’ll never be that brave, haha, but it was funny to watch. My toddler still looks at it and says, “ew mommy, you eat dirt thats not Shakeology” and it makes me crack up every time – so that helps with it, too.

I had my yummy combo of vegan chocolate Shakeology with 1 1/2tsp EVCO. I added two distilled ice cubes in it, and it was great. Although, it pretty much turned the melted EVCO into solid form again, so it looked gross again, but dang, it was still super good!

Dinner was zucchini-cashew soup and roasted root medley. I did it the same way I did on Thursday, and loved it. This soup is definitely going to be a regular in this house. And I also never thought to roast certain veggies together (that I normally wouldn’t eat together), but it really works!

I’m still sleeping really soundly, best sleep in a very long time. My fibromylagia pain is acting up more, though, so that’s a bummer. The tingling sensation in my back that feels like ants are crawling in my skin, the constant sore aching really, really sucks. But, one of the main components of my diet I needed to take out was refined sugar. That really agitates my fibromyalgia more than anything. This is all a process that takes time and results don’t happen overnight. I need to keep reminding myself of that.

Standard